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Kids are hilarious. They say the funniest things when you least expect it.

The best thing about these funny kids quotes and conversations is that they speak so innocently. There is nothing more honest than a child’s outspoken words in the heat of the moment.

If you need a good laugh (or 50), then read this list of funny things kids say with an open mind. Laughter is some of the best medicine and these cute kids quotes about life are sure to make you laugh!

But before going too far, if you have a funny conversation with your kids you’d like to share, please submit it here! I’d love to keep this post updated and growing to provide you with the best funny kids quotes to date.

hilarious kids quotes

Kids Say the Darndest Things Quotes

If you remember the old TV show, Kids Say the Darndest Things, maybe this list of conversations will bring back some fun memories. Let’s get started!

Kids Say the Darndest Things Quotes - Mother and Son

You have a what in your pants?

Angela Maxwell shares,

*Holding my sleepy 3-year-old son in the morning*
3-year-old: *Poots loudly on my arm*
Mom: Wow! That sounded like a trumpet!
3-year-old: That’s t’cuz I have a trumpet in my pants.


When will what fall off?

Anonymous reader shares,

5-year-old girl: What’s that? *Pointing to baby brother’s clamped cord*
Mom: That’s an umbilical cord — it will fall off after a week or two.
5-year-old girl: When will THAT fall off? *Pointing to brother’s penis*
Mom: *Facepalm* We need to have a talk.


A case of the stinky butt rumbles

Audrey with Mommy Enlightened shares,

*While at the grocery store*
3-year-old: Mommy, that Grandpa is really stinky. *Holding her nose and glaring at an older man*
Mom: That’s not a very nice thing to say to someone. We don’t tell people they are stinky.
3-year-old: Noooo, he has butt rumbles and that is stinky. IT IS STINKY!!


That didn’t happen

Audrey also shares,

*Toddler having a conversation with me while she’s pooping.*
3-year-old: I pooped on the floor yesterday and Daddy cleaned it up.
Mom: Oh really?
Dad: That didn’t happen sweety.
3-year-old: Yes, it did daddy. Mommy, I was so proud of daddy, so proud.


The smell of “cold”

She also shares,

2-year-old: Mommy, it smells cold in here!
Mom: It DOES smell cold in here.
*My two-year-old and I were pushing our cart into the open refrigeration at Target when she loudly announced this. I was surprised to find that I couldn’t disagree.*


SO SMAAAALLLLL

Anonymous shares,

*Mom is prepping dinner.*
Mom: Hunny, I need to prep dinner before baby wakes up and starts crying because she’s hungry. Hey, why don’t you feed the baby?
4-year-old: *With an incredulous look on her face* Mom, look at me, *lifts up her shirt and points at her boob*, I can’t feed the baby. My boobs are SO SMAAAALLLLL.


Self Preservation

Aunt KiKi shares,

*While mall walking with two Aunts*
3-year-old: *Runs ahead and grabs Aunt KiKi’s hand* I gotta hold your hand, Kiki, I might run away from Aunt Bethy.


Oh, but you need to be…

Kristen Hodgson shares,

Mom: Ok, bud momma has to work out for a bit.
3-year-old: Why?
Mom: Because I want to be healthy.
3-year-old: No, mom. You need to be fat.


Round is a shape

Brenda with Paper Heart Family shares,

3-year-old: Mommy, put your pants on!
Me: I can’t, I’m so hot because I just did my workout and I want to get in shape.
3-year-old: Like square… triangle… circle?


The equivalent of a school “ticket”

Brenda also shares,

3-year-old: Where’s daddy?
Me: He took my car to get inspected.
3-year-old: Why?
Me: Because if the police pull me over without it I’ll get a fine!
3-year-old: *gasp* Or a CARD CHANGE!


I have a better idea

Caitlin with Real Mom Recs shares,

Mom: I have an idea! For Halloween you could be Cinderella, and then we could have Daddy dress up as the Prince!
5-year-old: Hmm. Maybe I better be Belle, that way Daddy can be the Beast.


You really don’t know, do you

@RealMomRecs also shares,

4-year-old: Mommy, what’s the highest number?
Mom: There is no highest number. Numbers go on and on forever.
4-year-old: That’s OK if you don’t know the answer.


Atta boy

Saranya with One Fine Wallet shares,

Mom: Yay, I won the race!
2-year-old: Good girl mom!
Dad: And I came second.
2-year-old: Good girl daddy boy!!


But first…

JR with Mommy Jhy shares,

*Mom approaching hubby from behind*
7-year-old son: Are you gonna hug him?
Mom: Ah, no. I’m gonna kiss him.
7-year-old son: OK, kiss ME first!


Wife? What wife?

JR also shares,

7-year-old: When I’m an adult, I want you (mom) to sleep beside me.
Sister: Oh, what about your wife?
7-year-old: Mom will sleep beside me and my wife.
Mom: What about daddy?
7-year-old: If he wants to visit us, he can sleep on the couch. *No, we’re not separated*


KaBOOOM

Dela with Brown Skin Mama shares,

Mom: Why is your room such a mess?
3-year-old: Because a bomb has hit it.
Mom: LOL!


But can I see it?

Cheerfully Simple shares,

3-year-old: I don’t want to go back in your belly.
Mom: Good, because you can’t go back in there. But why don’t you want to go back in there (because obviously, I’m totally curious at this point)?
3-year-old: Because it’s dark.
Mom: *Laughing* Yep, it is.
3-year-old: But can I look in there?
Mom: Nope, that’s not possible.
3-year-old: But why not?
*And…… that conversation ended right there.*


The nose conundrum

Jill shares,

2-year-old: Brother has a baby nose
Daddy: Ya he does. Isn’t it cute?
2-year-old: Ya. I have a nose too!
Daddy: You do! Does daddy have a nose?
2-year-old: Ya. You have a big one!


*Spits*

Natalie Sivyer shares,

4-year-old: Mommy, can I see the list for the grocery store?
Mommy: I don’t have a list. It’s in my head.
4-year-old: Well, spit it out!


Ohhhh, Now I get it

Drew with Drew DuBoff shares,

*Whole family eating together at a pit stop in Bath, NY.*
10-year-old: Ew, I don’t like the taste of this water.
Mom: What? You don’t like bathwater?


Okay, Buhbye

Becoming Schultz shares,

6-year-old: You’re not playing with it right, do this.
3-year-old: I’m okay.
6-year-old Do you just want me to go because I will.
3-year-old: Yeah, you can go. Thanks.


Why didn’t I think of this?

Jenna shares,

*Typical Wednesday convo*
5-year-old: Daddy I can’t go to school today, I’m sick.
Daddy: What’s wrong?
5-year-old: I have a headache that’s going to last until Friday!


NO, no we can’t call it that

Christina with Raising Biracial Babies shares,

*My daughter and I looking at books with animals in it. I pointed at a picture of a bird*
Mom: What kind of bird is this?
4-year-old: *Thinks for a few minutes gets excited then shouts* A C*CK!
Mom: *Tying so hard not to laugh* close, it’s a Peacock.
4-year-old: Well, we can just call it a c*ck.
Mom: NO! NO, WE CAN’T! People will NOT know what you’re talking about if you say that!


Let it GO! Let it GOOO!

Christina also shares,

*Daughter and I sitting near a window and she sees a gray hair*
5-year-old: Mommy, you have a white hair!
Mom: Yea, that happens as you get older.
5-year-old: Oh no! Elsa got you! She froze you!!


Mmmm Yuck

Krista shares,

6-year-old: I don’t like chicken nuggets.
Also 6-year-old: Mmm, these are good.
Mom: So, you like chicken nuggets.
6-year-old: No, I accidentally said that.


I wanna know what love is!

Jennifer with Parent Smarter, Not Harder shares,

2-year-old: I want to go to work with Dada, too!
Mom: But who would stay here with Mama?
2-year-old: No one. No one stay with Mama.
Mom: Thanks, I feel the love.
2-year-old: I want love, too!


Well, where else would batteries go?

Katie with Katie Goes Platinum shares,

Mom: Honey, what are you doing?
3-year-old: *As he zooms around the room, arms outstretched* Mommy, I’m flying!
Mom: Wow, how are you flying?
3-year-old: I have batteries!
Mom: Where do you keep your batteries?
3-year-old: *Proudly, patting diaper* In my bottom!


Nope, won’t fix it

Monica with Lucky Mojito shares,

Mom: Son, stop touching your pee pee. You’re gonna break it.
4-year-old sister: Yeah! It’s going to fall off. And we’re not going to fix it!


Run faster!

Monica also shares,

*Walking at the park, an older man runs (not fast enough) by shirtless*
3-year-old: *Laughing hysterically* Guy running! Naked! Boobies bouncing!
Dad: *Speechless*


Who needs a Y anyway?

McKinzie with Moms Make Cents shares,

Mom to Dad: We really just need to figure out our “why” (our purpose).
3-year-old: Nah, I want a B or an E…no an L!


See what happened there?

Sarah with My Blog Style shares,

*Dad has to go away to Seattle on a business trip*
5-year-old: But whyyyyyyy does Daddy have to go to see Attle? Why can’t Attle come and see Daddy?


A boy would definitely not do that

Brandi with Chicken Scratch Diaries shares,

Mom: What’s wrong, honey?
3-year-old: *Crying* Mommy, I just don’t like the new baby! (her sister)
Mom: Oh! Why not?
3-year-old: *Deadpan* Because…she just cries all the time and I think we should’ve had a boy baby instead. I think maybe she needs to go down the drain in the bathtub. (This was her biggest fear at the time. Ouch.)


That tea these days

Klara with Her Happy Heart shares,

3-year-old: Don’t touch my tea, Mummy.
Mum: Why not?
3-year-old: If you touch the hot cup you will be burnt to a crisp. And we won’t have mummy anymore. It will just be me and sister and Daddy. And sister and Daddy will look after me.


Well it wouldn’t be a first

Missy with Sunshine and Chaos shares,

*Potty training toddler*
2-year-old: Momma! Peepee go up there!
Mom: Up where?!?
2-year-old: Up there! Up ceiling! So high.
Mom: Where???!!!!!
2-year-old: Whoosh! *Dramatically gestures* Peepee go whoosh!


Well gee

Jaymi with The Salty Mamas shares,

*We’re sitting outside together, looking up at the evening sky*
3-year-old: Mommy, will you go get me my fairy wings? So I can fly up to the moon?
Mom: *Heart melting*
3-year-old: So I can get away from you?


Ba Dum Tss!

Hayley with Mama in Progress shares,

3-year-old: Mummy, you’re a pet.
Mum: Oh, what kind of pet?
3-year-old: A carpet.


As long as it tastes good

Amanda with Simple Life of a Frugal Wife shares,

Mom: Who wants some smoothie?
Sibling: What kind is it?
6-year-old: It’s flamingo.
Mom: No, buddy, it’s not called flamingo. It’s called MANGO.


Gimme all the pans

Oana with Allergy Yummy shares,

3-year-old: Mommy, why do we have only three pans?
Mom: Because we don’t need anymore.
3-year-old: Well, if I am going to help (in the kitchen), we need 55 pans.


Yeah that’s my excuse!

Brianna with Disciple Mama shares,

*We park near a CrossFit*
3-year-old: Who people is the gym for?
Mom: Anyone who has money and wants to exercise can go there.
3-year-old: So it’s for young grownups that don’t have kids yet?
Mom: …
Mom: Pretty much.


Well that’s much better

Dana with Natural Earthy Mama shares,

3-year-old: Why do you want me to stop touching you, mum?
Mom: Cos you are hurting me and pulling my hair.
3-year-old: OK, I will bite you instead…


Yum

This Savvy Mama shares,

*I had a facial mask on*
2-year-old: What’s that on your face?
Mom: It’s a facial mask.
2-year-old: Oh, it looks like vomit.


Oh, dear Jon

Miss Manypennies shares,

4-year-old: *Whilst watching mom dress* I think you need to iron your boobies.
Mom: What?
4-year-old: Well, they’re all nobbly and wrinkly.


“I wish for a million dollars!”

Stormy with Mommy Made That shares,

Mom: Here honey, eat some hotdog. *Cuts up hotdog onto plate*
2-year-old: Hat dog???? *Puts hot dog pieces onto head.*


How could you?!

Debbie Gartner with The Flooring Girl shares,

*Daughter in stroller with several Disney princess dolls*
3-year-old: Why does everyone love princesses?
Mom: Because they are pretty, have beautiful dresses and nice shoes.
3-year-old: Mom, how can you talk about shoes in front of Ariel? (i.e. The Little Mermaid).


You get a pull-up and you get a pull-up, everyone gets a pull-up!

June with The Experienced Mama shares,

5-year-old: He can’t wear one of my pull-ups. They’re MY pull-ups!
Dad: Did you pay for those pull-ups?
5-year-old: Ummm…No.
Dad: You’re right: I did. So I can put them on any butt I want!


Oh, to be young again

Jessie with The Jessie Joy Project shares,

*Mom wasn’t wearing any makeup one morning*
4-year-old: Your face looks different.
Mom: Different how?
4-year-old: It looks funny. It looks like … you’re old.


There’s hungry and there’s biscuit hungry

Felicity with The Baby Vine shares,

2-year-old: Mommy, I’m hungry.
Mom: OK, here’s a banana.
2-year-old: Nooo, I’m just biscuit hungry!


Long long long time

Stephanie with Healthy Savvy and Wise shares,

*Daughter in the bathtub with her mommy*
4-year-old: *Looking at mommy’s chest* Mommy, when am I going to have long boobies like you?
Mom: Well… hopefully not for a long long time… after all your babies are born.


Oh, that!

Anonymous reader shares,

3-year-old: Mum, what is that thing called?
Mum: What? A toothbrush?
3-year-old: Oh yeah, I forgot about those!!


Wash it!

Jaime with This is My DIY Life shares,

*After seeing Captain America: Civil War in the Theater*
Mom: They brainwashed Bucky so he was the Winter Soldier again.
7-year-old: Why did his brain need to be washed? How do you even wash somebody’s brain?
Mom: They didn’t actually wash his brain. They did something to make him do stuff he didn’t want to do.
7-year-old: Oh.

Funniest Kids Conversations and Quotes

If you’ve laughed with me this far, then consider adding to this fun list of quotes! Let’s keep the positive vibes flowing. Additionally, please consider hitting the share button and giving this a share on your favorite social media platform(s). In a largely negative world, you never know who needs to see these funny kids quotes!

I'm a mom of one rambunctious 4-year-old son sharing tips to help make your life just a little bit easier as a parent. MomsCollab.com is a place for moms like us to find kids activities, pregnancy and parenting tips for young kids in all stages of life.

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